dear dad

dear dad, its been a while.

do you feel me? the pain that i live? doesn’t it hurt you like it hurts me?

wish you could have reached the nirvana you seek. mistakes, addictions, disorders and labels aside… i miss you.

i would give almost anything to be with you. i never said goodbye. i couldn’t. i cry because it hurts to think about letting go of you. but i must. i wished my entire life since you left me and adondaned me that you would return and hold me. save me from the dark. i believe in the impossible since it is impossibly hard to rid you of my thoughts and dreams.

the nightmares, the blood and the empty – darkness haunt me. i work my mind everyday to let go of you.

grieve they say. like it is simple 7 step process. what world do i live in? doesn’t make sense to have to grieve you.

13 all over again, day in and day out. the pain is enough to sufficate me.

fear of death and what happens to this life after. my beliefs aside here, you haven’t reach salvation and it hurts. your demons took you and you let them with your addiction. addiction killed everyone. still does and i have to watch it happen with mom.

truth me told, addiction verses death. not sure which is better. why should we have to choose?

we deserve the suffering that we get. each of us.

i can’t imagine what i did in my past lives to deserve this suffering but i hope in the next life (after my daughter finds her self worth and love she deserves), i will be less pained.

will i meet you again in the next? we only hope and will someday know.

… that is all i have for you now. i am drained.